Monthly Archives: July 2017

Why Dating Downward Can Be Dangerous

Are you dating people that you cannot afford to be with? I don’t just mean fiscally, I mean mentally, emotionally, socially, educationally, spiritually and or economically. When you choose someone new to date, are you on an equal playing field?

Dating on an unequal playing field is a source of frustration and can become out-and-out upsetting. I have coined the phrase “Downward dating.” Downward facing dog is a traditional yoga pose that Stretches and strengthens the whole body while relaxing the mind. Unlike downward dating which only eats away at your sanity and puts you in a pile of confusion. In the end, you wind up blaming yourself for the relationships demise. As with many of life’s choices there is no one to blame and many lessons to learn.

The way your dates treat you and the opportunities that come your way are determined by your attitude, energy and your sense of self. Often times, it feels good to blame others, but you know intuitively that it is not right. One of the only things you can possibly get from downward dating is some instant physical satisfaction which is often very nice but that lasts for about a good sixty seconds. However, you’re not making the kinds of connection that you desire. You are not getting the emotional connection you desire, so you’re left upset, angry and frustrated.

I have heard dating described as a gladiator sport. It is not for the faint of heart. Dating will test you and can shred every ounce of confidence you have or wreck havoc on your self image. While dating, whatever insecurities you are dealing with will surface and leave you not even recognizing yourself.

Do you experience yourself and realize that you are you dating the same physical type of man/woman over and over again. Do you have a physical type, i.e. tall, blonde, bald, hulking, etc. and are not interested in leaving that type behind? In the past, I have been guilty of dating like that. Thus not making room for anyone else to enter my sphere and all the while, still looking for a different response and treatment. Duh! However, are you not ready to leave your type behind but still want something different? Do you want and or are you interested in stopping this kind of behavior? Do you want a different results?

Before you go out on another single date start, looking at what you don’t like about your dating habits. Start by asking yourself about what you’re experiencing; see if it is a reflection of how you treat yourself. If you cannot change or are not ready to date, you are doomed to continue creating more of the same dating situation. This can be said for any situation that does not work for you anymore. It you want to date differently, you have to start giving yourself something first. If you want to date better people, you have to become a better person. If you want to be respected, you have to give respect to yourself and then to others, if you want to improve the quality of your dates you have to improve the quality of yourself. Start by asking questions “What can I contribute to my dates?” What you receive from any dating situation will transform when you accept yourself.

It is unfortunate but most of the recipients of downward dating love the idea of dating you. They love what you do, what you have but they subconsciously are frightened that you may not be interested in them. They are subconsciously don’t like what you are, as you represent all that they are not and this dredge’s up their insecurity. Downward dating people derive pleasure from you because it gives them an opportunity to inflate their already timorous ego.

They love what you represent, that you have an education and the social accoutrements or any other accolades whether earned, learned or born with. They love that you have your own money which is oftentimes, more than theirs. On the other hand, with downward dating there is no dedication. It’s just bragging which could later be at your mental expense and discredit.

Some downward dating partners are only capable of trying to break you down. The relationship is lop-sided. Your partner can become spiteful, downright nasty and mean spirited. Downward daters are for the most part only really interested in themselves and making you wrong. Their level of insecurity is very high. The experience of downward dating is one of insecurity and belief that internally that they don’t deserve something.

Downward daters will continual ask questions that you can’t answer in the way they want. “Why are you really interested in me” Duh, you’re interested in them because you like them. They cannot believe that and are extremely adamant that you’re not being truthful. They make statements like that you’re trying to use them They do not hear or listen to what is being said in a conversation. They only hear their internal conversation and make up things that were not being said or experienced.

Downward dater is not based in reality. Downward dates and daters come in all shapes and sizes color and crude. This incessant dialogue is very dysfunctional. This is when you leave the interaction (Run now!)

Many people have downward dated at some point in their life. Even if you can fake amnesia and plead the 5th you’ve done it.

Here is my experience in downward dating:

I dated a man with less money then me. I knew upfront that he could not afford to attend a lot of the things that I invited him to, so I would foot the bill if I really wanted to go. I didn’t have a problem with sharing, but when my sharing became a problem, the relationship become uncomfortable. His ego, was getting a little roughed up about not having extra play money. I did not do it deliberately. If I was digging down into my savings or spending above my means, I would say something.

Unfortunately, my guy had not mastered this concept, he had difficulty expressing his feelings about my money. Our relationship became increasingly difficult and it became progressively more difficult having certain conversations. So he proceeded to make me wrong. Eventually we broke up.

Today my opinion is if your venturing into a situation like this,you’re probably setting yourself up for failure. Work with me here, you have spent a number of years building up your education and that education has increased your socio economic standing only to find that you are not dating on an level playing field. You have little in common with them and furthermore they resent you for it. It is important to date with clarity. It takes time to get to know the people. It is also important that you give yourself time to get to know the people you’re interacting with and that you do not compromise your spirit.

I know many men and woman complain that they are sad and that they feel alone. Theoretically, we are all. Even in a relationship, amongst family, friends or in a group, we can feel alone. Alone, is a feeling, not our truth. The key is to accepting being alone is checking whether this is true for you. Then choosing what you want to do with what you know. Rejecting your findings that you are alone will not only make you feel better about being alone, it will prevent you from jumping into relationships that do not support your energy and what you are up to in your life. It is healthy to look at yourself with a critical yet compassionate eye so that you can make the decisions that only you can and will say are right for you. If you let lonely choose for you, you’ll be in a relationship that will have you whirling and not in a good way.

You Know All About Online Dating?

Today Online Dating is more popular than ever. But do you really know all the different variations out there? Here’s a fun A- Z guide that reflects modern trends in 2013. There are the many different forms of ‘Dating’ on the web. How many do you recognise?

A – App – Usually mobile-based on Android or i-phone. App stands for application and this form uses G.P.S technology to facilitate match-making between singles.

B – B.B.W – Stands for Big Beautiful Woman and refers to men who wish to date them and the women who amply fulfill the desired category.

C – Christian – Wide-ranging dating niche covering all Christian religions.

D – Dominatrix – Extreme adult theme-based dating which involves erotic encounters between singles that are interested in B.D.S.M. (Bondage etc.,) Popular with some politicians.

E stands for E-Dating, another term that generally defines online dating. Yet, it could also include social networks or apps rather than orthodox online dating.

F – Friends-with-Benefits – refers to people who wish to date friends of the opposite sex with the occasional erotic encounter. Remember the movie?

G –Gay – Self- explanatory term for dating with Transgender/ transsexual niche included.

H – Herpes – Yes, it does exist and is very common. Crikey. Refers to people who have recovered and wish to date a partner who has gone through a similar experience.

I – In-Person – refers to real life face-to-face encounters between single people after an agreement has been made to meet after or during online dating communication.Yes, like the good old way! ( n.b safety considerations are a major issue so be careful. )

J – Jewish – Dating between singles of the Jewish faith. Shalom.

K – Kinky – An adult-based theme for single people who may have a sexual fetish or have sexual tastes beyond the norm. Get out those boots.

L – Location-based – using G.P.S technology (Global Positioning System) this dating allows singles to base their dating encounters on the location of their prospective partners and ‘hook-up’.

M – Mature – refers to a dating niche for singles over forty and is similar to Senior Dating.

N – N.S.A – stands for No-Strings-Attached – and is similar to Friends with Benefits. This type of dating refers to casual sexual encounters that may or may not lead to a continuing arrangement between consenting couples but not necessarily lead to friendships or a long term relationship.

O – Online Dating that uses modern technology to facilitate meetings between people who may or may not be single. App based or website based.

P – Plenty of Fish – dating site referred to as p.o.f.

Q – Quiz – A dating idea based online that mixes Speed Dating with a pub quiz style format. Put your mobiles away please.

R – Religious – A dating niche that attempts to bring singles together of a shared faith.

S – Speed – Like Quiz Dating this is event based but mainly arranged online these days. The idea has been around long before online dating took off in a big way.

T – Tinder – an ios dating app that allows individuals within a 50 mile radius to meet up via Facebook networks.

U – Uniform – a very popular niche driven form of dating where professional people who wear uniforms for a living – like firemen or sexy traffic wardens – who then arrange to meet each other for a hot date.

V – Virtual – combines online dating with online gaming. Involves the use of Avatars for people to interact in a virtual venue such as a virtual cafĂ©. Take the blue pill.

W – White Label Dating– Dating platform for many online dating sites. Its success depends on partnerships with mainly branded sites.

X – XXX Dating – Adult dating of a more extreme nature. Not for the fainthearted. Usually consists of pornographic imagery for online marketing.

Y – You Tube was originally an online dating idea did you know? Now, it broadcasts online dating videos and a mixture of general tips, adverts, advice from professional dating coaches and, of course, hilarious spoofs.

Z – Zoosk – refers to the online dating site.

Online Dating for a Bad First Date

A bad date is a place you don’t want to be. It’s no one’s fault, yet no matter how well you seem to get on online, you can easily find yourself in a public place with a stranger having a real struggle with simple conversation. What should you do?

You have 3 options open to you if you find yourself on a date which is not going well. By bad date I am referring to a mediocre level bad date where awkward silence and stilted conversation ensues, not the type of bad date you need to run away from. You can either –

1) cut the date short and go home
2) stick it out, but not see them again
3) give it another chance, another time.

There’s no need to throw your possessions and yourself out of a restroom window if the conversation does not flow as you had hoped. There’s a lot of pressure on people on a first date and it can be difficult to be yourself. It’s not unlike a job interview, in many ways.

If the first date is not a roaring success, should you agree to another? Daters are very strictly in one camp or the other over this one. Some hardened daters are adamant that if there is no instant and deep connection, you should throw in the dating towel immediately. I am in the camp that believes that you might need a few dates to get to know one another.

Think of your current best friend, for example. I bet when you first met, you might not have imagined that they would one day be your best friend. You need more than one pop at getting to know someone – a date shouldn’t be like an exam.

If you don’t want to give it another go and meet your date again, send a polite and sugary message including:

– a big thank you for taking the time to meet you
– tell them that they are great, but you don’t feel you are suited
– wish them all the best of luck for the future and say thanks again

If your date is rude or lewd, you don’t need to sit politely through this one. If your date is rude or you feel unsafe in their company, you can cut the date short. Excuses include, I feel ill. That should do it. An elaborate plan that involves your mobile phone and an emergency is not necessary. Afflictions that are sudden and common include; headache, toothache, tummy ache, nausea.

You can bounce back from a bad dating experience. Laetitia, 32 from Brighton discovered this after a series of bad dates including suggestible sexual proposals on a first date, and another who left mid-way through dinner. Hang on, it may have been the same chap on two different dates. Bless Laetitia for giving him another go.

You can’t prepare for a date like the chap above. Laetitia just put it behind her and persevered with dating, eventually meeting her current partner 8 dates later. Laetitia advises to try and not to take a bad experience too personally, and to carry on dating regardless;

“A bad date can be nothing to do with you at all so try not to feel to dejected. Sometimes you just don’t know what the other person has got going on in their lives. Essentially, dating is a numbers game.”

To avoid a bad date in the first place, you are best to hold on meeting in person until you are completely satisfied that your prospective date’s profile is a true reflection of who they really are, pictures and all.

Just like a can of baked beans, we all have to sell ourselves. There is however, a big difference between showing off your best side and pretending to be a can of meat balls.

If your prospective date claims to be a 30 year old Engineer with a cat called Tiddles, then you want to make absolutely sure that you will be putting on your best frock/man attire to meet a feline loving, tinkler of engines. Nothing but the truth will do.

Seriously, people can be candid with the truth in their profiles. They don’t need to, but they do. I dated one chap who claimed to have a cat but didn’t. Puzzling, but true.

According to The Guardian, 4.7 million people are dating online and in a recent survey, 1 in 3 admitted to lying in their dating profile. 1 in 3 makes for a large potential number of porky pies to uncover. Over one million, to be exact.

The most common areas for mistruths, according to statistics, are different for men and women. Men are tempted to lie about age, height and income whereas women opt for misleading information about their weight, physical build and age. The porkies to look out for include, but are not limited to –

– weight, height, age
– profession
– qualifications
– out of date photos

Nobody is really worried about dating someone a little shorter, older or stockier – we all just want to meet someone we can have a life-time of fun with, and fancy a bit too. Lying before you have even yet met is not only unattractive, it does not bode well for the future. Check out the things important to you tactfully through your online conversations; ask for titbits about jobs and hobbies and find out the stories behind the profile photos. Make sure you too are not stretching the truth, it could lead to being in a pickle further on down the line. Most importantly, make sure you have the potential to get on.

Dating can be expensive in terms of time, money and crushed hopes. It make sense for your purse and your heart to whittle out the potentially mismatched dates early on.

Dating success can be yours – just keep going. In the face of a bad date, keep your chin up, enjoy talking to someone shiny and new and then carry on dating.

A nice cake and avoiding a bad date – it’s all in the preparation

– find out how long your potential date has been online dating. Some are addicted to dating. You don’t want to be another short term fix.

– always online? Bad sign. How can they fit in that exciting life if they are always logged in? It also suggests they might be dating lots and lots of people, which for some is OK, but not for the thin-skinned. According to statistics, 53% of people surveyed admitted to dating two people simultaneously, so be prepared.

– texting a lot? Texting only proves that someone has a phone and digits. Take texting lightly, it’s not a heavy commitment to text and someone who is seriously into you will give you a call instead.

– having said that, limit your contact before you meet. Find out enough to establish that you might get on but don’t overdo the pre-meet chat. You don’t want to establish a big text connection and then meet up and find you don’t get on in 3D. Tricky.

– if you do meet, suggest a date in a coffee shop in the day time. In a cafe, you can happily leave after a 30 minute chat over a tea and a muffin, and that’s completely OK. In a pub you might feel you owe them the whole evening and you risk drunken misjudgment.

The way to A More Exciting First Date and What Men Should Know

Dating should be fun but for most people, first dates make them anxious maybe because they want everything to be perfect. A terrible first date could ruin your chance of creating a wonderful relationship with your date and so you want everything to be perfect to have a great start. First dates can be stressful if you do not know what to do. The following tips can be very helpful if you want a more enjoyable first date.

How to prepare for your first date?

To make a more enjoyable first date, you have to do your homework and know some basic details about your date. It would be too awkward if you happen to ask the wrong questions. Focus on your date and prepare on how to make her comfortable on your first date. Some men do practice their lines before their first date and there is nothing wrong if you will do the same. Turning the focus on your date can help you forget your nervousness and you’ll eventually become more at ease.

To create a more enjoyable first date, avoid Friday night date to avoid the pressure. Keep the date short to be more considerate of each other. If you or your date can’t feel any connection, keeping the date short will save you both of the awkwardness. Keeping the date short doesn’t mean you have to be rude if there is no spark on your first date. Treat every first date as an opportunity to expand your network of friends. Who knows, your date might offer to introduce you to her friend who could be a better fit for you. Be a gentleman and treat every first date with good manners. If there is a connection and you are both attracted to each other, keeping the first date short means there is something to look forward to, which is your second date. The anticipation for the next date can be very interesting for both of you.

Be punctual on your first date or call if something came up and you cannot make it on time. It is important that you make her feel that you respect her time and remember that being considerate or respectful of your date makes you more attractive.

What to wear on your first date?

The clothes you wear on your first date affects the level of your attractiveness. Dress sharp and look your best on your first date. Most women love to go out with a guy who dress well but this does not mean you have to spend a fortune for your new wardrobe. Wear something presentable, clean and appropriate for your date. Wear clothes that flatter your best physical features and minimize your less attractive features. Of course to have a more enjoyable first date, you also have to be comfortable and confident wearing your outfit because you do not want to feel tense or uncomfortable with your outfit while on a date.

Experts recommend that men should stick to dark-colored pair of jeans, long sleeve collared shirt with slight patterns or not too loud patterns and with loose tie. For a casual look, a nice polo shirt and sports jacket are another option. Tucking in your shirt makes you appear clean and presentable. Avoid wearing khakis which makes you look like going to a workplace than a date. Avoid loud prints and stripes if you want to look good and impress your date. Choosing loud colors can be distracting, if you want to stand out, choose the colors that are most likely to attract women like white, black, grey, blue and green. Colors like cobalt blue and maroon can be attractive too. Flashy clothing or accessories are not appropriate for a date because it will draw the attention away from you.

Of course do not overlook your hygiene. Pay attention to your footwear, have your shoes polished to make them look clean and wear the appropriate socks. Put attention to your hair, your fingernails and nose hairs. If ever you end up wearing the wrong outfit on your date, relax and just be yourself and enjoy the moment with your date.

Where to go on your first date?

Most people choose to spend their first dates on places where they can dine or sit opposite each other to talk and know each other better but the problem with this setting is that the date may become more of an interview than a date. Meeting for the first time on this kind of setting can be too formal and you both may find it difficult to come up with subjects to talk about that may lead to long silence or awkwardness.

To have a more enjoyable first date, it is best to include enjoyable activities that you can do together like attending a cooking class, painting class, country fair, bowling, biking, ice skating, karaoke, etc. or visit places where there are many things that you both can look at and talk about like museums, zoos, theme parks, underground aquariums, botanical gardens etc. A walk in the mall or shopping for small things is also a good way to spend your first date and get to know each other better. Talking while doing things together is not only enjoyable but it creates new experiences and memories. As much as possible avoid concerts, plays and movies on your first date. Dates should allow you to talk, interact and connect with each other and it is hard to accomplish that if the environment is too noisy or you are both busy watching a movie or a play.